I emailed Z. to see if he wants to get together soon. I had told him a few weeks ago that I needed some time off from him so I could focus on getting a few particular things done: two screenplay contest applications, the first draft of the script I've been working on (working title is now "Public Sex"), and all the admissions and financial aid stuff for U.T.
All those things are done or moot. But I haven't missed Z. a bit, and that makes me wonder what I'm doing. I was talking with J. about this and came to the conclusion that I just don't have what's necessary to create new relationships right now -- desire, stamina, emotional generosity, I don't know? -- whether friends or lovers. That's probably a natural state at my age, since most people in their forties have already established the significant relationships in their lives.
But it always gets complicated doesn't it? No wonder men lie to get sex.
Last week I went out carousing a couple of nights. Nothing wrong with that. One night, I met two guys, good friends, we talked and laughed a lot, drank a lot. The three of us went back to the one guy's house and spent the night. I'll spare you the details, but it was a lot of fun. The guy whose house it was -- he has a boyfriend, open relationship, etc. -- and I have called and missed each other a couple times. I wouldn't mind seeing him, or him and his friend, again. Why not?
I'm very good at this first part, and I sometimes wonder why I can't just do this over and over. I guess because eventually I would run out of guys to dump. (When I was younger, I would just stop returning phone calls. What an awful thing to do to someone! I'm determined to do better.)
But another night, I met another guy. This guy's story is eerily like mine. Same age, songwriter, artist/academic, writer, filmmaker, has lived in many places. We talked for a couple hours at the bar, he gave me a ride home. We talked on the phone for quite some time over the weekend, and he said he would call me today, which I'm looking forward to.
One intriguing thing about this guy is that he's circumspect when our conversation turns to making plans to see each other. At first I was a little confused by it -- does he want to see me or not? -- but I realized that he was doing exactly what I often do with guys I meet. I avoid making plans. Instead, I make plans to call and make plans. I don't think it's a case of wanting to be free in case something better comes along; it's just a case of wanting to be free.
The bar that I go to won't be around much longer. It's sitting on some very valuable downtown real estate. The area has been sort of a no man's land for years because it floods regularly, but the city is planning a major flood control project which will open several city blocks for development. It's the only gay bar in town I've been to that I have any desire to hang out in.