I still haven't heard from Z. All day in my head: Please tell me that a) I wasn't as ridiculous as I thought I was, or b) I was ridiculous, but it's okay, you forgive me. Please let me off the hook! I don't think Z has seen this needy, insecure side of me -- I tell him how insecure I am but I don't think he believes me -- and I'm not sure I want to show it to him, but I might not be able to stop myself. I had one chance to meet his new boyfriend and I fucked it up. I wanted so badly for it to go ... better. I hate that I could not rise to the occasion.
I keep going back to the question, why do I resist him? Why withhold so much of myself from him and our relationship? Why not let it follow its natural course? I hear women who have grown children and accidentally become pregnant talk about the feelings it provokes, mostly, "I can't do this again. I just can't do this. It was beautiful but that part of my life is past.... I don't have it in me." That's how I react to my feeling of attachment to Z. That's how it feels.