I got very stoned with J and watched Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion. That was good medicine. There were a couple times I sobbed perhaps a little more than was appropriate, but it felt good for my crying to be, for a time, abstract. And I laughed hard, a lot. I hadn't seen it before.
Strangely, writing about this helps alleviate the pain, at least while I'm focused on writing and don't let my mind wander too far. Even though I'm sitting here examining and analyzing it, it's a relief to be doing something I feel like I have control over. And my thoughts come into focus when I write.
I wrote a a long letter to M and dropped it at his house this afternoon, along with his house key and a few gifts he'd given me. I felt a little ridiculous giving him back his stuff, so dramatic, but for some reason it felt necessary. It hurts too much to have that stuff around. I have so much to say to him. He's the one that I've shared my thoughts with lately -- I can't stop framing my thoughts as if he were my audience. I made a big effort to keep the letter sane, to express myself simply and to ask straightforward questions. I'm trying hard to understand what happened.
J had plans tonight but postponed them and took me to P Terry's for dinner. I've been living on smoothies, beer, chips, and tacos from El Chilito for a week. I feel like I've forgotten how to cook.