Friday, April 13, 2007

The Baby Will Be Fine.

Z. is in San Francisco. He left this morning, and he'll be there for 4 or 5 days, a long weekend. We were together Tuesday night, didn't do much. I walked to his house, we went to Freebird for burritos, he bought me a malt at Amy's, then back to his place and watched Practical Magic. Well, we didn't really watch it. Perfect date.

He asked me when we were saying goodnight if he would see me before he left, and I said I didn't think so because I had rehearsals Wednesday and Friday. I didn't say I have plans Thursday, but I didn't say I didn't. In fact, I had plans to not have plans.

He really seems fine with my lack of urgency, but every once in a while he'll say something like, "I'm really getting used to you." Things which make me want to say, "Don't do that, please."

He called me when he got to San Francisco this morning, to let me know he got there. It was so sweet of him, and it was nice to listen to his message. But I don't have any desire to call him back, or to talk to him before he gets back.

I go back and forth between feeling sometimes very guilty that I am being manipulative and other times telling myself I am not being dishonest and that there's nothing wrong with him and me having different attitudes about this, as long as we're enjoying ourselves.

When I don't return his calls for a couple days, when I make him wait, it's like the episode of Mad About You, when Paul and Jamie's baby was colicky and they had to let her cry all night without going to pick her up so she would learn that she won't always get attention when she cries. And they both spend the entire night right in front of the baby's bedroom door, listening to the baby cry, not sleeping. J. and I just sobbed watching that episode.

We were very attached to that fictional couple for a spell.

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