Did I Fucking Dream This?

I keep thinking that if I misunderstood M’s intentions or his feelings about our relationship in such a fundamental way, I must have missed many clues all along, and that somehow it was fucked up from the beginning, that I must have been missing something or misinterpreting what was happening all along. All that time I thought I had my eyes wide open I was blind.

My memory of our trip to Mexico City turns from a sweet, wonderful reminiscence into a kind of Gaslight nightmare when I think about it. It was in Mexico that M started to talk about the future. And he encouraged me to think of us being together for at least a couple years when he discussed possibilities that could allow him to work there but not until at least the fall of 2011. It was all very tentative and contingent, but I didn’t ever think of it as contingent on anything that was happening between us, only contingent on the availability of opportunities to make a living there. I don’t think it was just the romance of being in a beautiful, exotic place on vacation because we continued to talk about it for weeks afterwards. He would bring it up. I wasn’t pushing the idea, I swear to fucking god I wasn’t. As recently as a couple weeks ago, he mentioned wanting to take another trip to Mexico City together this summer.

I’m going insane trying to figure out what happened, and being well aware that I might never know makes me even crazier. If I was so wrong about this, how can I trust my perception of anything.

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It's a big perfect storm,this breakup, exacerbating all my fears about money and success and aging and home and love and family, blah blah blah, and I can see it and know what's happening but that doesn't make it any easier. God damn, it hurts!

Once again, I have to create some kind of life for myself from scratch. I'm tired. I'm tired of going back to nothing and starting over.