Afterwards, on the way to the car, I started crying again because the movie was on campus and we walked near the building where M works, and it set me off. There’s not much in this town that doesn’t remind me of him.
When will I stop thinking about him all the time? When will I stop missing him? I must still somehow believe that he’ll come back and say he wants me after all because why would anyone let someone he loves suffer so much if he could end it? I know, it’s insane. Yet at the same time logical.
I guess my task is to find a way to relax with not being able to reconcile what’s happening between us now with what was happening just a matter of days ago. Maybe I’ll get there. Right now, it’s still driving me mad. I still can’t accept it.
I lost confidence with the high school diary project. I just don’t know if the text, even heavily edited, has in it what I feel when I read it. I’m not sure it supports what I want to do. It’s possible that I’m just getting cold feet now that it’s starting to become labor, but it feels more like a real art problem. I’ll mull it over for a while. Meanwhile, I have 3 short stories, which I dug out recently and made notes for revisions, some of them very simple. I’ll do that first. One of them I want to turn into a screenplay, so that’s a little more work, but I think I have a pretty good outline, so the fun part is left: writing dialogue and description.
I cooked some stuff yesterday for salads. I marinated 3 chicken breasts in lemon, orange, garlic, and black pepper, then sautéed them, sliced and froze 2 of them. They were beautiful, delicious, and juicy. And I fried some tempeh for J. The salad I made us for dinner had red bib lettuce, some Romaine, a little cabbage, sliced radishes and red onion, with my regular vinaigrette (lemon, red wine vinegar, Dijon, and olive oil -- I left out the garlic or onion I usually put in it because there were onions in the salad), and I put sliced chicken on mine and tempeh on Jay’s, and half an avocado on each. Yum! I also bought feta and some Gaeta olives, red peppers and asparagus, to vary it a bit since I plan to make salads every day for a while.
I’m cutting back the amount of food I eat and trying to limit fat and carbohydrates for a while to lose some weight. I’m about 15 pounds heavier than I like to be. I also like eating lighter and using the stove less now that it's close to 100 every day and will be for the next 4 months.