To continue and elaborate on that earlier line of thought, it is important to me to note that that was the first time I had been in that situation -- where I was so aroused by someone who 1) didn’t physically match any idea of mine of what a sexy man is, and 2) was, as far as I could tell, less into my body than I was into his. M was sweet, affectionate, and responsive to my touch, but it was usually I who initiated any kind of contact. I didn’t feel insecure about that. I was okay with it and in fact enjoyed it. I enjoyed being the pursuer.
That was a huge change for me, a huge positive change, because the usual scenario for me -- going all the way back to the middle-aged men who I knew were turned on by me when I was a teenager, and the fact that I turned them on, turned me on, even though I found them physically repulsive -- the usual dynamic was that my arousal depended on someone being turned on by me. I loved this change, this new way of feeling sexy. I thought it was more honest and real and healthy. I felt like I was dealing with getting older, finding a way of being an older man in a relationship.