I have a new friend I haven't written about here, because he reads this blog and, every time I start to write about him, I get self-conscious and I chicken out. I certainly have other friends who read what I write about them, and I'm less concerned about what they'll think, but still I do catch myself -- to different degrees, depending on who it is -- being less than completely frank.
I think I'm fairly transparent when I write about J. After all these years, that's just how we are with each other. I am pretty frank about Z, but he doesn't know I have a blog. Even so, if he were to stumble upon it, there's nothing I would be horrified for him to read. Embarrassed maybe, but he's a big boy, and he appreciates honesty more than most people I know.
My family doesn't know about my blog. They, especially my mom, tend to worry about me, so I don't always share every little disappointment and hardship. I don't want to confirm her view of my life as a minefield. I can write more freely, knowing my family won't be reading it.
But this new friend: he was a regular reader here before I met him. We met back when I was battling the bugs in the garden. He posted a comment telling me he was an organic gardener and would be happy to give me advice on the bug problem.
I think by now organic gardener has usurped fireman for Sexiest Occupation for Gay Men, hasn't it? In my Book of Lists, it has. So I emailed him and said I would love some help with the bugs. We made a date to look at the garden and go out for coffee.
Not only is he an organic gardener, he's a former helicopter rescuer. His resume is sexy before you even meet him. But then he looks the part, too. If you were making a movie and you had to cast the role of an organic gardener and former helicopter rescuer, he's the guy you would cast. He's handsome. He’s the guy your straight sister would find sexy. (I just got goosebumps when I wrote that, thinking about him reading it. Maybe I have the air conditioner on too high.)
I told him over dinner the other night that I feel a strong urge to flirt with him but a corresponding confusion as to whether that's the best way to act in this case. He lives with a long-term partner, and I'm not looking for a boyfriend anyway. His take on it was so clear and simple, and helpful. He said, more or less, "A lot of friendships between gay men start with some sexual attraction. Sometimes you end up having sex, sometimes you don't. So we're attracted to each other. It doesn't have to be a big deal."
Here's where I would say, "It's all good," if I didn't absolutely hate that expression.